My dear friend,
two years have passed since you left us. Two years already! Can you imagine?
I still remember everything about the day two years ago – hearing my phone ring before 6am in the morning, this feeling that came over me the second I saw my best friends name on the display realizing that something must have happened. Her cracking voice. You had lost your courageous fight that night in a hospital in Hamburg. Away from home, but not alone. You were surrounded by family and friends who have been driving the 500km from Frankfurt in a blur to be with you. To hold your hand. And to let you go. My heart broke. Tears started rolling down my face. I curled up in my bed, my love by my side trying to calm me down and to comfort me. Later I got up and drove to work, sitting at my desk, silently crying. I remember all of that vividly. The calls that had to be made, let other friends know what had happened.
A week later the funeral. This unreal feeling – sitting among my oldest and dearest friends – we all came together, only you were missing!! Hearing the words of your best friends dad in his role as the minister. Unreal. Walking towards the grave, its bitter cold and snowing. Unreal. To see so many familiar faces who all came to say a last goodbye. Unreal. Standing in front of the open grave, looking down. I am lost for words. My heart still breaks every time I think about that day.
Truth is, I think about you every single day. In the beginning it hurt, I was dreaming about you, waking up crying. I was (and am still) going over all our memories that we share, eager not to forget the small details. I have known you for 15 years, we were friends, we fell in love, we fought, we were hurt and then we were friends again. And stayed until the end. Now when I think about you, I can smile and be thankful for all the moments we got to share and that you were my friend. It took two years. And honestly, I still cry sometimes and get so sad. You would have turned 31 four days ago.
Cancer is a devil. Sneaky, quite at times. But oh so destructive. You were a fighter. Strong. Young. And with a unbearable will to fight the leukaemia. The fight took two years. With major downs and also great ups. How much you could bear! You will always be my hero! I often wonder if I did enough. It was easy to forget about your constant and long fight while my own life was full on. It became “normal” that you were in hospital, back home and in hospital again. I did not know what to say at times, what to tell you from my life without making you feel even worse. I wish I would have seen you more often, that you would have let me visit you. I understand though. I miss you.
I hope that you are out there and watch over us. You will be in my heart forever.
“Ich habe Dich sicher in meiner Seele. Ich trage Dich bei mir, bis der Vorhang faellt.“
One of the most beautiful song lines ever written. You know the song.
“I have you safely in my soul. I’ll carry you with me until the curtain falls.”
Thinking about you always.